Heart's Desire

Lord, give me the desires of my heart.
Lord, give me the desires of my heart.

Notice the emphasis.

I don't have any statistics, but I believe Psalm 37:4 is probably one of the most quoted and referenced verses of the Bible in popular culture. Some time ago, I heard it explained in a way I never had before. Instead of having the mindset that if you delight yourself in the Lord-- do all the right things, go to church, pray, be a good Christian, etc.-- He will give you all the good things you want (good job, boyfriend/husband, fancy house...), you should be praying for the Lord to literally change your heart and give you desires that match His Will for you. I am not sure that makes sense, so let me use a real life example:

I have two kids. Every fiber of my being wants nothing more than to spend every second of my life with them. Thanks to things (like grown up bills to pay ::eye roll::), I have to work.  It is very easy for me to be negative and claim to hate my job because it is so hard for me to separate my "job" from my desire to be home with my boys full time. My job is also often very difficult and draining. My prayers on this subject could go two ways.

Way 1 I pray for the Lord to give me the desires of my heart. I do all the right things and wait for some sign that the day is coming my husband will get a fancier job and I will be rewarded and be able to stay home because it is the deepest desire of my heart, and surely the Lord will do that because the Bible says so. I grow resentful and never find joy in my every day situation because I am so fixated on wanting what I don't have but desperately want.

Way 2 I accept that the Lord may just have a purpose for me in my work, greater than anything I may ever know. I begin to pray "Lord, if this is your Will, please help me to see the good. Give me the desire to go to work every day and enjoy what it is I am doing. Take care of my babies while I am not with them and use me for good."

It took a while, but I eventually got to the point where I changed the way I was praying. Guess what? Ask and you shall receive. God changed my heart! HE GAVE ME A DESIRE TO GO TO WORK EVERY DAY! I am shouting that in my mind, because if you were to ask anyone who was close to me during those years I was really struggling with this (yes, years), I was miserable. I missed my babies and that was basically all there was to it.

I don't really know how to wrap this us, except I am just in awe each day when I see the miracle God worked in my heart. It's my prayer that those who some day read this will find the purpose in where God has them and ask God to use them in awesome ways.

Wonderfully Made

Wow, it's been a minute! (Is that still cool to say? Was it ever?)

I am not sure where these last few months went, but I'm here now.

Believing the lies. That is what has been on my mind lately. And it seems the past week every time I turn around, listen to a sermon, a song, a podcast, it is the message I see & hear. STOP BELIEVING THE LIES. Where is my identity? Where is my worth? Jesus.

I turned on my music the other day to shuffle an album I've listened to many times.  I could not believe my ears.

It's two in the morning and I'm still awake in my bed
And I can't shake these lies that keep running around in my head
What if I saw me the way that you see me
What if I believed it was true
What if I traded this shame and self-hatred
For a chance at believing you

I had heard but never heard those lyrics before. I don't even remember the specifics, but the night before, I was literally tossing and turning all night (yes, even 2 in the morning!!) going over all the things in my mind that...I don't know. Just where I believe I don't measure up or where I am a failure, or where...the list goes on. And I catch myself all the time in those thoughts.

A few months ago, I decided I was going to stop wearing so much makeup. I have never actually worn a ton of makeup (compared to some other girls, I guess), but I have relied heavily on a lot of eye makeup over the years. I've always been pretty self-conscious about my eyes. They are too small, too squinty, one girl said I look like a cat. These things stick with a person. Makeup makes them look bigger, brighter, and prettier (my opinion). I feel better and more confident when I've got a heavier and darker eye going. I don't know what led me there, but one day the "why" came to my mind. Why do I wear so much makeup? Why do I believe you can never have enough mascara? I think it would be easy to say "I just like it and can do what I want!", but if I am honest with myself, I know that's not the truth. I like makeup because it makes me prettier. Why do I need to feel pretty? For myself? For other people? What if I started to try to like myself the way I am, squinty eyed and pale? ;)

I stopped putting on the mascara so thick & cut out the dark eye shadow. I'd like to say I've just gone about my life these past months like "Yeah, go me! So confident and not shallow at all!" But.....many times have I thought and spoken things about how ugly I am, how I hate my looks, "omg I have to go back to wearing more makeup and go tanning!", etc. I'm a work in progress. ;)

I didn't mean to write a book about eye makeup, but my appearance is a great example from my life about where I struggle with finding my worth and measuring up to other people.

My worth and my identity are not in other people thinking I am pretty. They are not in whether or not my jeans button easily. They're not dependent on what kind of behavior day my students have. They're not in whether or not my boys had new St. Patrick's Day shirts to wear so I could post a cute picture on Instagram.

~Satan feeds us lies. I am Wonderfully made. Comparison is the thief of Joy.~

Those three things I try to repeat to myself when I find I am struggling in this area.

I have a lot more I could say, but I have a babe who is looking for some attention, so I will save it for another time.

Praying the Lord gives these words to someone out there someday who needs to hear them. Remember where your identity and worth lie. <3



Song quoted is Wonderfully Made by Ellie Holcomb.