Each time I go to write something about it, I chicken out. Don't do it Lindsay. You share too much. But that nagging feeling just won't go away, so here I go.
I've just recently come to the realization that I am, and have been, struggling with PPD. Looking back, I honestly don't know how it took me until last week to get here.
I knew about 5 months in with Graham that something wasn't right, and I immediately went to my husband with it. Then life happened. Really hard, really overwhelming, really sad life happened. There was a dark cloud of sadness over our life for a season and I had no time or energy to deal with my "stuff". Then I got pregnant with Luke, and I remember thinking This baby saved me from my sadness. And he did. The knowledge that I was carrying new life brought joy back into our lives that we never really admitted was gone. I thought whatever PPD I thought I was going through had just gone away. But FF to now, and clearly I was wrong.
Thinking back to last summer, I knew there was an issue, but I just figured it was the pregnancy hormones mixed with being tired from having a 1 year old that still didn't sleep through the night.
Thinking back to the first few weeks after Luke came home, I knew there was an issue, but I just figured it was a mix of recovering from my c-section, feeding issues with the baby, trying to help Graham adjust...
Thinking back to after I went back to work, I knew there was an issue, but I just figured it was the stress and exhaustion from having 2 babes under two and working a pretty demanding job.
Thinking back to earlier this summer, I knew there was an issue, but I just figured it was because...
This takes me to last week. 3 am, laying in bed on vacation with my boys, crippled with guilt and shame and wondering What the hell is wrong with me? Because the same old issues have followed me here and I don't have ANY excuse as to why I am the way I am. I am well rested, I am on vacation with my boys, I have a week of uninterrupted time with my husband, I am by the water, Matt is here to help me with the boys, I have nothing on my schedule...
************************************************
I wrote the above post 18 months ago and never finished it. I didn't know how and I think I got tired of being in that place mentally. When we got home from vacation, I made the call to my doctor. The awkward call to an unknowing receptionist who doesn't know me to say "I think I have PPD and I would like to see my doctor" call. It was easily the hardest phone call of my life because I felt so silly for saying it out loud. Coming out of my mouth, it didn't sound so bad. I didn't sound like a person who's life was clouded in darkness and anxiety and rage and worthlessness.
I sat in the room waiting for my doctor. My husband came with me. He always tries to be supportive, but even he didn't know the darkest parts of my heart and mind. I never spoke it to anyone.
My doctor put me on Zoloft. I didn't really know how to feel, because I was raised in a Christian environment and I knew some people were strongly against anti-depressants. 'There is no problem too big for God, you don't have enough faith" is kind of how some people think of things. But let me tell you, those meds saved me. They brought me out of a darkness I was stuck in for so long. This darkness held onto my soul for years and no amount of praying or begging God to help me ever took it away. It's my belief that God opened my eyes to my PPD so that I would find my way to these meds. They brought me back.
It's been 18 months things I came to the realization that I had PPD and sought help. I'm so glad I did. And what's the point of me publishing this post so long after writing the initial experience? I want it out there. I want in put into the internet world for the girl who some day will be searching the internet needing to know she's not alone.
<3
************************************************
I wrote the above post 18 months ago and never finished it. I didn't know how and I think I got tired of being in that place mentally. When we got home from vacation, I made the call to my doctor. The awkward call to an unknowing receptionist who doesn't know me to say "I think I have PPD and I would like to see my doctor" call. It was easily the hardest phone call of my life because I felt so silly for saying it out loud. Coming out of my mouth, it didn't sound so bad. I didn't sound like a person who's life was clouded in darkness and anxiety and rage and worthlessness.
I sat in the room waiting for my doctor. My husband came with me. He always tries to be supportive, but even he didn't know the darkest parts of my heart and mind. I never spoke it to anyone.
My doctor put me on Zoloft. I didn't really know how to feel, because I was raised in a Christian environment and I knew some people were strongly against anti-depressants. 'There is no problem too big for God, you don't have enough faith" is kind of how some people think of things. But let me tell you, those meds saved me. They brought me out of a darkness I was stuck in for so long. This darkness held onto my soul for years and no amount of praying or begging God to help me ever took it away. It's my belief that God opened my eyes to my PPD so that I would find my way to these meds. They brought me back.
It's been 18 months things I came to the realization that I had PPD and sought help. I'm so glad I did. And what's the point of me publishing this post so long after writing the initial experience? I want it out there. I want in put into the internet world for the girl who some day will be searching the internet needing to know she's not alone.
<3
No comments:
Post a Comment