Post Partum Depression

I've got Postpartum Depression. There. I said it. 

Each time I go to write something about it, I chicken out. Don't do it Lindsay. You share too much. But that nagging feeling just won't go away, so here I go.

I've just recently come to the realization that I am, and have been, struggling with PPD. Looking back, I honestly don't know how it took me until last week to get here.

I knew about 5 months in with Graham that something wasn't right, and I immediately went to my husband with it. Then life happened. Really hard, really overwhelming, really sad life happened. There was a dark cloud of sadness over our life for a season and I had no time or energy to deal with my "stuff". Then I got pregnant with Luke, and I remember thinking This baby saved me from my sadness. And he did. The knowledge that I was carrying new life brought joy back into our lives that we never really admitted was gone. I thought whatever PPD I thought I was going through had just gone away. But FF to now, and clearly I was wrong.

Thinking back to last summer, I knew there was an issue, but I just figured it was the pregnancy hormones mixed with being tired from having a 1 year old that still didn't sleep through the night.

Thinking back to the first few weeks after Luke came home, I knew there was an issue, but I just figured it was a mix of recovering from my c-section, feeding issues with the baby, trying to help Graham adjust...

Thinking back to after I went back to work, I knew there was an issue, but I just figured it was the stress and exhaustion from having 2 babes under two and working a pretty demanding job. 

Thinking back to earlier this summer, I knew there was an issue, but I just figured it was because...

This takes me to last week. 3 am, laying in bed on vacation with my boys, crippled with guilt and shame and wondering What the hell is wrong with me? Because the same old issues have followed me here and I don't have ANY excuse as to why I am the way I am. I am well rested, I am on vacation with my boys, I have a week of uninterrupted time with my husband, I am by the water, Matt is here to help me with the boys, I have nothing on my schedule...

************************************************

I wrote the above post 18 months ago and never finished it. I didn't know how and I think I got tired of being in that place mentally. When we got home from vacation, I made the call to my doctor. The awkward call to an unknowing receptionist who doesn't know me to say "I think I have PPD and I would like to see my doctor" call. It was easily the hardest phone call of my life because I felt so silly for saying it out loud. Coming out of my mouth, it didn't sound so bad. I didn't sound like a person who's life was clouded in darkness and anxiety and rage and worthlessness. 

I sat in the room waiting for my doctor. My husband came with me. He always tries to be supportive, but even he didn't know the darkest parts of my heart and mind. I never spoke it to anyone. 

My doctor put me on Zoloft. I didn't really know how to feel, because I was raised in a Christian environment and I knew some people were strongly against anti-depressants. 'There is no problem too big for God, you don't have enough faith" is kind of how some people think of things. But let me tell you, those meds saved me. They brought me out of a darkness I was stuck in for so long. This darkness held onto my soul for years and no amount of praying or begging God to help me ever took it away. It's my belief that God opened my eyes to my PPD so that I would find my way to these meds. They brought me back.

It's been 18 months things I came to the realization that I had PPD and sought help. I'm so glad I did. And what's the point of me publishing this post so long after writing the initial experience? I want it out there. I want in put into the internet world for the girl who some day will be searching the internet needing to know she's not alone. 

<3

Don't Believe the Lies

I was getting on here because I had a lot running in my mind and I wanted to write it down. When I got to my page, I decided to read my old posts. (Life's busy--it's been almost a year!!) Guess what I found? The same thing that's been troubling my heart is what I've already written about! I guess it's clear where my struggles fall!

I was playing with my boys this morning and I heard a thought that I knew was of the enemy. "You're a bad mom." While I know it's a lie, I also know I let myself believe these things about myself. I decided to write it down and challenged myself to keep a list. Every time I found myself thinking and believing something negative about myself, I would write it down. I'm not glad to admit that before noon, the list was pretty long.

I decided to shower because it was almost noon :) & turned on some music. Lauren Daigle's You Say came on. What a beautiful reminder to stop believing the lies and to know where your worth & identity lies.

You Say by Lauren Daigle

That's all for now...maybe it won't be a year before I write again. :)

Heart's Desire

Lord, give me the desires of my heart.
Lord, give me the desires of my heart.

Notice the emphasis.

I don't have any statistics, but I believe Psalm 37:4 is probably one of the most quoted and referenced verses of the Bible in popular culture. Some time ago, I heard it explained in a way I never had before. Instead of having the mindset that if you delight yourself in the Lord-- do all the right things, go to church, pray, be a good Christian, etc.-- He will give you all the good things you want (good job, boyfriend/husband, fancy house...), you should be praying for the Lord to literally change your heart and give you desires that match His Will for you. I am not sure that makes sense, so let me use a real life example:

I have two kids. Every fiber of my being wants nothing more than to spend every second of my life with them. Thanks to things (like grown up bills to pay ::eye roll::), I have to work.  It is very easy for me to be negative and claim to hate my job because it is so hard for me to separate my "job" from my desire to be home with my boys full time. My job is also often very difficult and draining. My prayers on this subject could go two ways.

Way 1 I pray for the Lord to give me the desires of my heart. I do all the right things and wait for some sign that the day is coming my husband will get a fancier job and I will be rewarded and be able to stay home because it is the deepest desire of my heart, and surely the Lord will do that because the Bible says so. I grow resentful and never find joy in my every day situation because I am so fixated on wanting what I don't have but desperately want.

Way 2 I accept that the Lord may just have a purpose for me in my work, greater than anything I may ever know. I begin to pray "Lord, if this is your Will, please help me to see the good. Give me the desire to go to work every day and enjoy what it is I am doing. Take care of my babies while I am not with them and use me for good."

It took a while, but I eventually got to the point where I changed the way I was praying. Guess what? Ask and you shall receive. God changed my heart! HE GAVE ME A DESIRE TO GO TO WORK EVERY DAY! I am shouting that in my mind, because if you were to ask anyone who was close to me during those years I was really struggling with this (yes, years), I was miserable. I missed my babies and that was basically all there was to it.

I don't really know how to wrap this us, except I am just in awe each day when I see the miracle God worked in my heart. It's my prayer that those who some day read this will find the purpose in where God has them and ask God to use them in awesome ways.

Wonderfully Made

Wow, it's been a minute! (Is that still cool to say? Was it ever?)

I am not sure where these last few months went, but I'm here now.

Believing the lies. That is what has been on my mind lately. And it seems the past week every time I turn around, listen to a sermon, a song, a podcast, it is the message I see & hear. STOP BELIEVING THE LIES. Where is my identity? Where is my worth? Jesus.

I turned on my music the other day to shuffle an album I've listened to many times.  I could not believe my ears.

It's two in the morning and I'm still awake in my bed
And I can't shake these lies that keep running around in my head
What if I saw me the way that you see me
What if I believed it was true
What if I traded this shame and self-hatred
For a chance at believing you

I had heard but never heard those lyrics before. I don't even remember the specifics, but the night before, I was literally tossing and turning all night (yes, even 2 in the morning!!) going over all the things in my mind that...I don't know. Just where I believe I don't measure up or where I am a failure, or where...the list goes on. And I catch myself all the time in those thoughts.

A few months ago, I decided I was going to stop wearing so much makeup. I have never actually worn a ton of makeup (compared to some other girls, I guess), but I have relied heavily on a lot of eye makeup over the years. I've always been pretty self-conscious about my eyes. They are too small, too squinty, one girl said I look like a cat. These things stick with a person. Makeup makes them look bigger, brighter, and prettier (my opinion). I feel better and more confident when I've got a heavier and darker eye going. I don't know what led me there, but one day the "why" came to my mind. Why do I wear so much makeup? Why do I believe you can never have enough mascara? I think it would be easy to say "I just like it and can do what I want!", but if I am honest with myself, I know that's not the truth. I like makeup because it makes me prettier. Why do I need to feel pretty? For myself? For other people? What if I started to try to like myself the way I am, squinty eyed and pale? ;)

I stopped putting on the mascara so thick & cut out the dark eye shadow. I'd like to say I've just gone about my life these past months like "Yeah, go me! So confident and not shallow at all!" But.....many times have I thought and spoken things about how ugly I am, how I hate my looks, "omg I have to go back to wearing more makeup and go tanning!", etc. I'm a work in progress. ;)

I didn't mean to write a book about eye makeup, but my appearance is a great example from my life about where I struggle with finding my worth and measuring up to other people.

My worth and my identity are not in other people thinking I am pretty. They are not in whether or not my jeans button easily. They're not dependent on what kind of behavior day my students have. They're not in whether or not my boys had new St. Patrick's Day shirts to wear so I could post a cute picture on Instagram.

~Satan feeds us lies. I am Wonderfully made. Comparison is the thief of Joy.~

Those three things I try to repeat to myself when I find I am struggling in this area.

I have a lot more I could say, but I have a babe who is looking for some attention, so I will save it for another time.

Praying the Lord gives these words to someone out there someday who needs to hear them. Remember where your identity and worth lie. <3



Song quoted is Wonderfully Made by Ellie Holcomb.

God is Speaking

Wow, time flies!! Life has been BUSY since I last posted! Currently I am sitting up watching my babies on the monitor. Both are sick--my house and myself are covered in puke and diarrhea--so while today officially ends my Thanksgiving Break, I am preparing to take 1 more day off. Happy/Sad. It is so hard to see my babies sick and struggling...but of course my heart is thankful for just one more day of cuddles. Praying they are able to have an uneventful night of rest and wake up healthier than they were when I put them to bed.

I am just here to quickly say WOW God works in pretty awesome ways!! I had just put my oldest to bed and sat down in bed to make sure things were covered for work tomorrow, when my twin sister text me. She wanted me to give her my thoughts on some things she wrote in the middle of the night the other day. I think my jaw may have literally hit the floor. HER THOUGHTS ARE MY THOUGHTS! Exactly what I've been feeling and thinking these last three years, the reason I STARTED THIS BLOG, were the things she sent me that were put on her heart!! We have never discussed these desires or thoughts together! I don't think I need any more confirmation from God that this IS something I need to be faithful in doing. When God speaks to us, it's a good idea to listen. ;)

I will be honest, I had the thought just this weekend like, 'oh yeah, I have been so busy I forgot I started a blog! Oh man, maybe I didn't really want to be that honest. Maybe that was stupid of me...maybe I regret writing that...' and things along those lines. That text seemingly out of nowhere from my sister just totally confirmed that I am here in this blogging world--currently blogging to zero readers-- to stay for a while. And I intend to continue to be honest about my journey and my heart...and promise not to go back and edit or delete past posts. ;)

Anyway, I said this would be quick. I just wanted to share that God-Moment here. Now time for me to go check on those babies...and perhaps shower the baby puke out of my hair. <3

Where is your worth?

Have you ever prayed “Lord, show me where I am blind?” Basically, reveal the things about myself that aren’t good and pleasing, things about myself I may not even be aware of—but need to turn over to Him? 

I recently prayed that prayer. It wasn’t a big moment in and of itself, just a quick “Please show me” kind of moment. It was an honest and true desire of my heart to see where there were  places in my life I needed to turn over to Him. 

He’s been revealing things to me. Ask and you shall receive. ;) 

I have always been a more frugal minded girl. I’ve kind of prided myself on how non-materialistic I was. Walking into a store like Coach gives me anxiety.  

He’s revealed a selfish heart to me. Wait, what!? I aim to be selfless in all I do...so this has been a tough pill to swallow.

I have an addiction to Old Navy. When I walk in, I rarely leave without a couple bags full of new clothes. Now, this was never an issue for me. I am a busy girl. I make it out to Old Navy for a good shopping spree... 2 or 3 times a year? Maybe 4 or 5?...see the Lord is revealing to me...

In my defense, I had two babies 18 months apart. Spent over 2 years with an ever-changing body. I did have needs in the clothing department. But a few trips here and there, they add up. I have been convicted of selfishness. Ouch. I have a family I am working to help support. Are my clothing needs being put above my family? Because by needs, do I mostly mean wants? Yes, I have had needs, but if I am honest, and I am trying to be, I probably didn’t need all of the things I bought for my summer wardrobe, or new school year wardrobe, or... 

That gets me to the heart of what’s being revealed. Why do I need new clothes every season? What’s the root of that desire? ::swallows large pill:: My desire to feel worth. My desire to feel good enough. It’s somethjng I’ve struggled with greatly in life. I have this inner dialogue that’s been on repeat in my head most of my life that I am not good enough. I’m not a good enough wife. I’m not a good enough sister. I’m not a good enough mom. I’m not a good enough friend. I’m not good enough at my job. I’m not good enough... 

It’s late and my alarm is going to go off soon, so I will wrap up here for now: Where are you finding your worth? My worth is in Jesus, and I am good enough to Him. I’ve challenged myself to stop spending money on myself unless it is a real need. This will help me be a better steward with the resources we’ve been given for my family, and help me to remember my worth is not in having new clothes. I listened to a podcast last week that said “where you are spending your money could show you where your heart wherepriorities are”—or something like that. Food for thought. 

 I’ll probably be back another time to talk more in depth about my heart on these topics, but I’ve got three 15 hour work days ahead of me starting in... 75 minutes when my alarm goes off. 😑 

See you soon, blog world. 

Here I am, Blogging!

3 years after I initially felt the pull to start blogging, here I am. Well, I've been here...just in an unpublished state. I am sitting here with my dog, trying to figure out where to start. It feels like when you have to make awkward small talk with somebody you just met and you don't know what to say, and then FF and they turn out to be your best friend. That's my hope for this page. I guess I will start off with who I am...

I'm Lindsay. I am married to Matt. We have two little boys.

I am nearing the end of my 20s, and the life I've lived really is why I am here--blogging. I am a sinner, saved by Grace, and I just have this feeling I can't shake. I have a Story and I need to share it. I believe that at some point in time, somewhere out there, someone is going to search something and happen upon this blog. They will find that they are not alone, and God will be glorified.

I am an Introvert. There aren't many people in the world that know the real me. I think that's why I've put off this blog for 3 years. I've been too worried about the judgement of those 'Facebook Friends' and extended relatives that think they know me, or have this perception of me, but have never seen or taken the time to know my heart.

My heart loves people. My heart wants people to know Jesus. My heart wants to be known and to be vulnerable. I think that's why I am here. To share my heart and my testimony and hope there is someone out there who finds comfort in it.

Disclaimer: I once received a 'C' on an otherwise perfect paper in a college History class because my Professor said I didn't know how to use commas. So, don't judge me. ;)

Looking forward to getting past this nice-to-meet-you-awkward-small-talk stage and really getting to know you! :)